That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Farmville is her only friend.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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