I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
