i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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