Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
