My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize