my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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