and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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