Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
