u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think my nap took me to another dimension
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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