There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
