Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
