I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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