I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
