Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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