people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
