I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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