I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
