my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
