i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
