She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
so let's talk penis.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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