i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
