he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
