Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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