A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
