i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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