i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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