Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
