dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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