right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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