I think I won the penis lottery.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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