Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
