i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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