____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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