i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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