you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
