i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
