And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
