Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I can't turn off my feet"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
