your parents love me but you hate me
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
