why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
