i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
