I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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