That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
