I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
