Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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