My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
