I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
