would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
