Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
