He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
