sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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