you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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