I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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