So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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