You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
