Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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