mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
