I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You pole danced in your parka.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I woke up under a house in Key West
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
