im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
