if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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