Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
