You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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