Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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