Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
