after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
