mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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