i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
