Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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